Things Team 19 Are No Longer Allowed To Do:SE
by maverickiceman
Summary: Things Team 19 Are No Longer Allowed To Do:Special Edition. An in-depth look at the origins of the 'Rules' as listed by H.E. Gray. M for safety's sake.
1. To Be Filled In Triplicate

_**A.N:- **_** This fic is inspired by H.E Grey's '**_**Things Team Nineteen Are No Longer Allowed To Do' **_**, so for the rules please refer to it. Also I've asked permission to do these one-shots; I've not got it yet. However these ideas won't leave me alone, so H.E, my apologies.**

**Disclaimer: I own zero, zip!

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_Rule 179_

Ibiki blinked.

"Affiliation?"

"I'd think that was obvious, Izumo."

"Shut it, Kotetsu. I've to ask, remember?"

"Yeah." The genin being reprimanded looked back at their remaining team member, one Iruka Umino, who currently had a Kiri nin on top of him.

Ibiki blinked, again.

"Method of death?"

"I'd have to say, Option A:Strangulation by ninja wire."

Izumo looking very clerical with a pair of glasses and a spare brush tucked behind his ear, nodded as he continued. "Reason for attacking?"

"What were the options again?"

"Sigh, A) Vendetta against a clan for their bloodline.

B) Vendetta against a clan for a member's action during the last war or any of the others.

C) Vendetta against bloodlines in general.

D) We're at war.

E) It's the principle of the thing. And lastly my personal favorite,

F) Just because. Remember them next time, Kotetsu."

"Right, well Iruka doesn't have a bloodline, I don't think we're at war. His clan hasn't pissed off Kiri and neither has he, Option F only relates to Gai."

"Option E, it is then. Now if you'd just sign here, here and here, initial here, we'll let you get back to strangling our team-mate."

Ibiki snapped out of his daze just in time to restrain the hysterical, fleeing Kiri nin. He shook his head; this was going on the list for sure. Only Tsunade would bet against it, and that was if she was piss drunk.

Interrogation revealed that the Kiri nin was a newly promoted Jounin, who'd only two days ago had been on the Mizukage's 'paperwork detail' as a Chunin.

Kotetsu and Izumo maintained the attacker was one of the Mizukage's exes. 


	2. PG: Perverted Guidance

_**A.N:**_** Thanks to H.E. Gray for giving me permission. Also this chapter details the birth of multiple rules, since each one by itself would, I feel, be too short to merit a chapter.**

_Disclaimer:- _ Refer Chapter 1. That is all.

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_Rules 22, 27, 28, 132_

_Rule 22_

"Hey old man, whatcha doin' ?" Iruka asked the red and green garbed man.

"Something you wouldn't understand." came the condescending reply from one Jiraiya of the Sannin.

"Well, it looks to me as if you're peeking on the girls."

"No shit, Sherlock. Why then did you ask, pray tell?"

"Who's peeking? Are the good spots taken? Is Anko there?" Izumo's excited voice, alerted the duo to presence of the remainder of the junior section of Team Nineteen.

"I don't know. No, not all of them. And what the hell is with your Anko obsession?" Iruka replied, annoyed.

"Not all of us have seen her naked, you lucky bastard,"

Jiraiya paused in his note-taking. "You managed to see one of the future bombshells of Konoha, current one among your age group, according to rumors, naked?" he asked, impressed.

"Yeah, seems she has a soft spot for Iruka." Kotetsu explained.

Jiraiya decided then and there this would be too good an opportunity to miss. The possibilities with an apprentice able to charm even the most troublesome (apologies to the Nara clan) kunoichi…

"Well boys, today's your lucky day! For I am the Gallant Jiraiya!"

Needless to say the rest of the introduction lead to all four being _re_introduced to hospital, courtesy of pissed off kunoichi.

_Rules 27 & 28_

"Guys I think I've done it!" Izumo crowed.

"Hmm, not bad, we still need a test audience though," Kotetsu said reviewing the manuscript.

Team Nineteen were currently engaged in a _very _important mission, namely winning the bet they'd made with Jiraiya that they could write just as well as if not netter than the Toad Sennin.

"I know! You both have heard Ibiki-sensei complain that Intelligence spends more time looking at the enemy kunoichis' stats than the enemy villages', right?" At the twin nods, Iruka continued."So why don't we send it to them?"

A week later the winnings of the bet, (the entire Icha Icha film collection till date), having been deemed too hot, as in the liable to get you killed if discovered, to handle were generously donated to the teams appreciative audience using the same delivery system used for their 'masterpieces of literature'.

_Rule 132_

"Someday someone's going to find a foolproof henge that'll get you in there." Kotetsu said nodding in the direction from which they'd come courtesy of Air Tsunade.

'There' of course referred to the women's hot springs.

"If they do, I'll be the first to worship at their feet." replied Izumo.

_Years later,_

Naruto Uzumaki wondered why Izumo and Kotetsu had carried him into Ichiraku ramen, on their shoulders no less, before asking Old Man Teuchi to give the _new_ 'God of Shinobi' all he can eat ramen, on them, of course. After all even he, with all his boasting, didn't think beating Mizuki-teme merited such extravagance.

Then again, he never said no to free all you can eat ramen either.

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_Chapter Soundtrack_:- 'Break My Fall'-DJ Tiesto


	3. Annoying ANBU Pt 1

_**A.N:-**_** Thanks for all the reviews, people, enjoy!**

_Disclaimer: _ You people have short memories don't ya?

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_Rule 63 A.K.A the 'Guns, lots of guns.' Rule_

It started with a note that said simply 'Wake up Kazuhiro".

The ANBU appreciated the joke, especially when it was at the expense of their paranoid planning officer. Not paranoid to dangerous levels per se, unless of course you were an enemy nin caught in one of his elaborate traps.

They quietly applauded when two pills, one red one blue made their appearance on his desk with the note that said only "Choose!"

They passed off his sudden addiction to black shades and trench-coats as just another quirk he'd developed after spending long hours locked up alone in the dimly lit planning room.

When he started referring to himself as 'The One' and attempting a 'Bullet-Time Jutsu', _then _they started worrying.

The final straw came when he was stopped at the security desk for carrying _way_ too many kunai, shuriken and various other assorted pointy objects, even by ANBU standards.

A partial itinerary follows

_Offiical Security Log_

_Name Of Detainee:_Kazuhiro

_Items Confiscated:_

12 Ninjato

13 Katana

2000 shuriken

4000 kunai

_Detainee's reason for carrying:_

"To kill those bastard Agents, since I couldn't find any guns!"

_Rule 74 A.K.A the 'I need to bleach my brain' rule_

The Hokage looked up from the report and glanced at Ibiki before looking back down.

After the fortieth time, Ibiki asked with the slightest hint of exasperation lacing his tone. "Hokage-sama?"

Sarutobi had the grace to look sheepish. "I was just wondering why your team's reports to Intelligence referred to you as, ahem, 'a sex-god'."

Ibiki blushed. "I might have had a little too much to drink last night, sir. It seems my gennin team is now convinced not _all _my scars are from torture, at least not the unpleasant kind."

"Understood, dismissed." The Hokage shook his head as he drafted a new addition to the 'Rules'. "When has torture ever been pleasant? I'm surprised his team's as sane as they are." He mused.

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Soundtrack: _'Smooth Criminal'_- Michael Jackson


	4. Here Be Dragons

_**Disclaimer:- **_Manda ate it.

**A/N: **I'm back. Sorry for the wait. This one's a bit more serious.

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_Rule 15 a.k.a 'Fire In The Hole'_

Orochimaru restrained his impulse to burst into his trademark evil laugh, but he didn't have enough control to stop from rubbing his hands in satisfaction. His plan had been more successful than he'd hoped.

Step one had been infiltrating Konoha. That was accomplished by using the skin of his latest host-an old traveling salesman he'd successfully way-laid a week back.

Step two had consisted of wandering around town making contact with his agents, checking on his sleeper and personally eyeballing any interesting changes in his ex home, sweet home.

Then came the unexpected bonus; running into a scar-nosed Genin gullible enough to buy the 'Super Awesome Demolition Summons' scroll. This was in reality, a scroll summoning Manda's cousins, a branch of the dragons who shared his summons's views on death and carnage.

He'd let out a solitary 'Ku-ku-ku' as he saw the Genin run off to test his new acquisition.

The result was in front of him in the form of a report smuggled out by one of his agents.

-0-0-0-

_Konoha Damage Report_

_Property damaged:_

22 buildings

3 recreational parks

Council elders lodgings

_Casualties:_

0 fatalities

20 burn victims admitted to Konoha General

_Total value of property damage:- _50,000 Yen.

_**Note- **_**This excludes the elder's property, whose value in this humble ninja's opinion is nil.**

Cause of said destruction were some new breed of Dragon summons, whose scroll one Iruka Umino, rank Genin, purchased from 'some old dude'. Said scroll was confiscated and a search was initiated for the vendor. However given the time elapsed (4 hours), the suspect had a head-start and eluded capture.

-0-0-0-

Yes, thought Orochimaru, the plan had been a success as he put the finishing touches to a note for Sarutobi

_Sensei, _

_For the benefit of keeping the council elders too busy panicking to bother you-_

_**You're welcome.**_

_ Orochimaru

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Chapter Soundtrack:- _'Heard It Through The Grapevine' _– Craig David


	5. The Anko Addendums Pt 1

_**Disclaimer:- **_The Flames Of Youth burnt it.

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_Rules 12 & 13 a.k.a. 'The Human Torch' and 'Known Associates' rules_

"YOSH! I shall beat you next time my eternal rival. THE FLAMES OF YOUTH SHALL PREVAIL." Gai Maito yelled at the retreating back of the victor, one Kakashi Hatake.

Before he could continue, he was interrupted by a Genin, one of his comrades, Ibiki's team.

"Um, Gai-sempai…" started Izumo nervously, "I know a competition you'd win easily."

"Tell me more, my youthful Genin."

-O-O-O-

Kakashi Hatake was having a nice day, that is until his _'rival',_ Gai, ran by.

"BEHOLD MY FLAMES OF YOUTH!"

The thing was Kakashi could swear he saw said flames covering the eccentric Jounin. This called for an extra dose of Icha-Icha. To the bookstore!

-O-O-O-

"I can't believe he did it!" Anko said, giggling madly.

"Hey, youthful doesn't necessarily mean smart." chortled Kotetsu.

"So it was you four!" Ibiki said, poofing into existence. "Whose bright idea (pun intended), was it that's got Gai in hospital being treated for second degree burns?"

Anko stopped giggling when she noticed three fingers pointed her way. "Traitors!" she hissed, eerily reminiscent of her summons.

_Rule 29 a.k.a. "Cat Fight!" or "Take it ALL off!" rule_

Izumo and gang watched with interest as Anko and Kurenai wrestled in the mud.

"Take it back!" Anko yelled, yanking Kurenai's hair.

"Your girlfriend's good." Iruka commented as Kurenai tore the sleeve off of Anko's coat.

"She'll kick your Anko's ass." Asuma, who had turned up with a group of his fellow Chunin, replied. He then winced as Anko ripped Kurenai's bandages, showing a lot more of her fellow Genin's midriff,

"Kakashi's not better than dango! How dare you suggest such a thing!"

This brought a round of laughter from the growing crowd, said scarecrow only eye-smiled.

"Alright place your bets!" Izumo called out. "20 on Anko to win! Go Anko!"

"30 on Anko!"

"40 on Kurenai!"

"15 on Anko!"

"60 on them being topless by the end! 70 on them going all the way!" yelled a new voice.

"Jiraiya!" said another.

"What you wanna place a bet too Sensei?"

Sarutobi face-palmed before looking at the crowd, " Everyone, except Team 19 and the, er…, combatants disperse."

Once the dust cleared, he continued; "I'll see you five in my office in 15 minutes." He then turned and headed towards the Hokage tower, thinking how Jiraiya would work this into the next Icha-Icha.

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Chapter Soundtrack- _'Bad Girl'-_ Massari


	6. Hell's Kitchen

_Disclaimer:- _It got ate.

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_Rule 31 a.k.a. the 'It came from the kitchen" rule _

"But I cut it on the edge of the toaster." Iruka complained.

"So?" Tsunade queried.

"That thing's ancient, plus it doesn't look like it's been cleaned in ages. Why hasn't it been cleaned in ages? "

"I'll find out, okay?"

"But it could be crawling with germs! And in my current weakened state, I could die. All because of that toaster."

"Iruka, for the last time you _do not _have A.I.D.S! Even if you did, it wouldn't be from a toaster."

"Ebisu used that toaster."

"I'm aware of your team's opinion, varying daily as it is, of Ebisu. I can assure you, Ebisu is not the cause, direct or indirect, of your hypochondria."

"But he's a closet pervert! Wait a minute, what's hypo-typo-hippochondria?"

"Sigh, never mind; take two of these and call me tomorrow afternoon."

_Rule 34 a.k.a. the 'You are what you eat' rule_

"**RRAGH!"**

The roar came from the vicinity of the Jounin kitchens, causing a crowd to form, at a safe distance away. Memories of last month's popcorn mini-tsunami were still fresh.

"What the hell is that thing made of?" Shishui Uchiha yelled as the monster sandwich just brushed off his Katon jutsu.

"I believe that is a BLT, my youthful comrade." Gai Maito said before attempting a 'Konoha Senpuu' only to be swatted aside by the now lightly toasted sandwich.

Shishui sighed and ducked to avoid flying debris as Kakashi Hatake, pulling out all the stops, unleashed a Chidori smack dab in the sandwich's center.

"Never ever set foot in the kitchens again! Are we clear Ibiki?" A lettuce covered Kakashi demanded hotly.

Ibiki nodded numbly.

"Soo…" Asuma said, as he surveyed the kitchen's remains while supporting the battered, Jounin with the horrible scars, "Take-out pizza tonight?"

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Chapter Soundtrack- _'Nightlife'_- Karl Wolf


	7. IMF: Konoha

_Disclaimer:_This message shall self-destruct in 5, 4,3,2,1…

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_Rule 157 a.k.a. the "IMF agent identified" rule_

"Man that was the best movie ever!"

"You're right Izumo. I heard the guy at the rental store say even the Kages love it. Most of them have gone and bought their own prints, not tapes, prints." Kotetsu replied.

"Hey guys, doesn't the guy in line for Raikage have posters of the 'Rocky' and 'Rambo' movies?" Iruka questioned.

"Yeah, I heard he and his brother are both working out to be buff like the star, and they've created some new Taijutsu moves from something else they're big fans of- 'Wrestling' I think it's called. Not to mention this guy called Hulk Hogan."

"Hmm, you know, I bet one of the other Kages would use something from 'Mission Impossible'."

"How about secret passages?"

"We already do that, Kotetsu."

"Oh, um right. What about a trigger?'

"It has to be something original."

"How about the theme music?"

"I think we're onto something here guys. Let's go grab Ibiki-sensei."

"Lead the way Iruka."

_Rule 158 a.k.a. the "Your mission should you choose to accept it" rule_

Iruka whistled as he crept along inside the Tsuchikage's official mansion.

"Have you even heard about the concept of stealth Iruka?" questioned an increasingly irate Ibiki.

"Sorry sensei I'm nervous. Whistling calms me down."

"Well can you keep it down at least?"

Iruka complied, shifting to the Mission Impossible tune, something he felt fit the atmosphere.

Ibiki turned around to get Iruka to stop whistling that annoying tune, just then his foot met the ground or would have. The Jounin tumbled, as silently as possible of course, down the ramp that had revealed itself as soon as Iruka had whistled a few bars of the new tune.

He stared at the room he ended up in- the Tsuchikage's secret library. Ibiki also idly noticed a complete (i.e. up-to-date) collection of first edition Icha-Icha.

Iruka, who'd followed his sensei down in a more dignified manner, looked at him. "Told you so!" the teen grinned.

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Chapter Soundtrack- _Mission Impossible Theme_ (duh!).

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_**A/N:**_ **I'd just like to warn everybody that my updates will be quite erratic from now, since pursuing my Master's seems like it'll be taking up most of my time. That won't stop me from writing though; posting will mostly be done during the hols.**


	8. The Anko Addendums Pt 2

_**A/N:**_**Just a shout out to **_**Impatiens Psittacina- **_**Your request has already been written, it'll be typed and posted another note I won't post chapters until i get at least 1 review for the latest chapter posted  
**

_Disclaimer: _I asked Anko to read it, but she's busy with Iruka, sooo…

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_Rule 67 a.k.a. 'The scarecrows and the snakes' rule_

Ibiki couldn't believe it. The old geezers and clan heads were actually starting to take his team seriously! This should have been cause for celebration until one realized the topic under discussion.

"And our final point is the possibility of dual summons for any children the two will have. A combination of snake and dog summons on missions has been proven successful by the parties under discussion on numerous occasions."

The council had a gleam in their eye as Kotetsu finished.

"Unofficially there's also the chance you'd get a Hatake with Anko's body and Kakashi's perverseness."

Ibiki silently groaned as the gleam in the men's eyes intensified threefold.

"Not to mention you could also probably get a kid with Kakashi's features and Anko's aversion to covering up" Izumo piped up.

Ibiki face-palmed as Tsume grinned ferally.

-0-0-0-

Iruka, who'd been silently seething throughout the meeting only compounded Ibiki's resulting headache when he started a fight that sent all three Genin to hospital.

'At least he had the restraint to wait till we were out of the Tower.' Ibiki thought,popping a tablet of Aspirin in his mouth.

_Rule 164 a.k.a. 'The Real McCoy' rule_

"Guys you got to hide me."

"Why?"

"Anko's after me."

"Torture or pleasure?"

"I didn't stay to find out."

"What happened?"

"Open the door and I'll tell you."

The door opened and he stumbled in.

"Well?" Izumo queried.

"You know I henged into Kakashi and asked Anko out on a date as part of that dare last week."

"And you got all the way to your birthday suits before you were interrupted."

"Except for the mask" chipped in Kotetsu.

"Yeah, well Anko's been staking Kakashi since then. She's taken to waiting outside the changing room waiting to 'jump his bones'."

"Really?"

"Yeah, well she caught him, but then she found out it wasn't him she'd stripped."

"How?"

"Well you know you can't henge into something you haven't seen so the equipment she saw that day…"

"Was yours, not Kakashi's."

"Umm, yeah."

"Oh man! This is priceless! So is he bigger?"

"You think she'd still be chasing the 'mystery guy' if he was?"

Izumo and Kotetsu stared at their team-mate in awe.

"Anyway," Iruka continued awkwardly. "I happened to be the first victim of her 'man-hunt'."

"Out."

"Wh-what?"

"Izumo, we've to throw him out. He's passing up a great chance here."

"I agree."

"Guys, waaaaaait!" Iruka wailed as he was introduced to the wonders of assisted flight.

-0-0-0-

"There you are!" a voice purred as he regained his bearings at his landing zone.

"You're coming with me, we've got a date to finish." Anko continued, dragging a whimpering Iruka behind her. Iruka's 'rep' among his fellow males sky-rocketed after that day, as it did among the females once the details of the 'date' were pried from a surprisingly reluctant and territorial Anko.

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Chapter Soundtrack-_ 'Fill Me In' _ Craig David


	9. Cracking Kakashi

_Disclaimer:_It's out on the black market somewhere

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_Rule 14 a.k.a. 'Thongs all the way' rule_

"So did you get it Izumo?"

"Sure did."

"Great, we're gonna make a tidy profit off of this."

"And it was all your idea Iruka."

"Aww, shucks."

-0-0-0-

Kakashi was enjoying the latest escapades in Icha-Icha when Kurenai and Anko the two most violent anti-Icha-Ichaites, after Tsunade, showed up before him. He closed his eyes waiting for the pounding or yelling he was about to receive. Personally he was hoping to be yelled at, it was the lesser of two evils.

When no raised voices or excruciating pain made themselves known, he opened his eye to see the duo grinning.

"You know scarecrow, from your reading preferences; I thought you'd have more mature underwear." Anko said twirling a pair covered in cartoon dogs.

Kakashi swallowed, "Where'd you get those?" Those were his favorite pair damnit!

"It's amazing what you can buy for 20 Ryo. Better hurry the rest of the pairs were going so fast, it was like they knew Hirashin." Kurenai quipped.

"By the way Tsunade lost the bet on whether they were boxers or briefs!" Anko yelled after the rapidly disappearing Jounin.

-0-0-0-

_Rule 61 a.k.a. "The secret to my strength" rule_

E and Killer Bee were bored. Accompanying the Raikage to Konoha for talks as his guards might be a great honor but it sure was boring.

That's why they were currently roaming the merchant district on their off shift. They perked up when they heard the following conversation.

"I don't believe you."

"But think about it, it makes perfect sense."

"Yeah look at Itachi, he's gay and he's the strongest Uchiha because there are no real opportunities to get your hands on gay porn in Fire Country, we're the straightest of the Element Countries."

"But what about Fugaku?"

"Helllo, have you seen Mikoto? It's like having your own personal porn-star, after Tsunade and Kushina of course."

"Hmm, alright but if your theory's right, how come Kakashi reads Icha-Icha so openly."

"It's all show. It's a matter of hiding your weaknesses; and where better to hide than in plain sight?"

"Right that's true."

"The brothers had heard enough. They proceeded to the nearest bookstore to get 'Copy-Cat' Kakashi a gift subscription. Maybe protection detail wasn't _all _bad.

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Chapter Soundtrack:- _'Shut It Down' _Pitbull (ft. Akon)


	10. Sense And Senseis

**A/N: **** This one's been sitting in my **_**misplaced**_** notebook for three years, now that I've found both it and a job hopefully life will return to my writing hobby as well. Thanks for all the reviews on all my fics they got me off my backside at long last.**

_Rule 113 a.k.a. 'I've been hustled'_

* * *

_Ibiki, your Jounin vest should not be neon orange and pink, however many bets you have lost._

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"So sensei, care to make a little wager?" Kotetsu asked.

Ibiki perked up, now gambling was a vice even for shinobi, but what better way to teach his Genin this than to indulge them just this once? And if he were to get richer doing it, well it couldn't be helped, could it?

"How much?" he asked.

"Not cash."

Ibiki wilted.

"You have to wear this Jounin vest," Izumo produced a sickeningly orange and pink monstrosity, only the most attention-starved ninja would wear, but hey, Ibiki had this in the bag.

"Deal, what's the bet?"

"Iruka here," the last member of the team was indicated. "Will go and make out with Anko-"

"No way! Nu-uh what do i look like? A sucker?"

"-He'll make out with her smack dab in front of Kurenai 'I'll castrate any Pervert' Yuhhi, who won't twitch a muscle."

"I"M IN! Hope you boys bought vests your size."

-0-0-0-

Ibiki was stunned.

In front of his very eyes, Iruka, the shyest Genin this side of Mars, was making out with Anko Mitarashi. In front of Kurenai Yuuhi and all the 'Ice Princess' did was sigh and shake her head.

It was due to this state of mind, Ibiki maintained, that he agreed to 'double or nothing' stakes only to lose as Anko dragged Iruka off to ravage him with nary a protest from her friend. or his Genin for that matter.

-0-0-0-

_Rule 118 a.k.a. The 'Going once, going twice ' rule_

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_While we empathise with your desire to be free of your genin, Ibiki, you are not entitled to auction them off to foreign nations._

* * *

"Our first lot today is one Konoha Genin, slightly used. This Genin comes with excellent references. he can be used for any and all D-Ranks, but is especially good at feline related missions as can be testified by Tora a member of the Fire Daimyo's family."

"Sensei," Iruka interrupted only to be drowned out by Ibiki's patter.

"And for today only, you can get his team-mates free. Take home the complete set, ladies and gentlemen!"

Izumo and Kotetsu who'd been chortling at his plight till then, froze in shock.

"The bidding will start at a 1.00 Ryo."

"1,000 Ryo!" shouted the Tsuchikage.

"2,000 Ryo! I need genin to spot my sons while they work out. Mine are too traumatized or worn out. This is gonna be a real test of 'The Will Of Fire'." The Raikage bellowed.

"4,00 Ryo!" yelled the Mizukage. "Do not worry Iruka-kun, our love is worth more than mere money! And I'll save your little friends too!"

"I have 4000! Do I hear 4,500?" Ibiki yelled, ignoring his charges' green faces. "No? Very well, 4000 going once... going twice... sol-"

"All right, break it up! break it up! This auction hasn't been sanctioned. Move along unless you want to spend the night in a comfy cell." Shishui Uchiha interrupted, backed by the might of the majority of the Konoha Military Police.

'Damnit!' Ibiki thought as he watched the grumbling diplomats disperse, the Mizukage looking especially put out. ' I was so close, so close to freedom!'

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**Chapter Soundtrack- **_ Just Go _by _Lionel Ritchie ft. Akon_


End file.
